


a lament for the dead

by neopunch (caihongs)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Post-Break Up, Songfic, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:54:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22412803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caihongs/pseuds/neopunch
Summary: Renjun only has one heart, and it’s in such poor shape that he isn’t sure if he can love anyone else. A curse sent to him in the guise of a blessing, and Renjun is blind to the fine print. That reads Jeno won’t ever love him the way Renjun does and Renjun thinks he always will. He doesn’t have the will to break the curse.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Huang Ren Jun/Mark Lee
Comments: 22
Kudos: 113





	a lament for the dead

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by [sugarplum elegy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lqdx118ilhA) \- niki
> 
> elegy  
> /ˈɛlɪdʒi/  
> noun  
> 1\. (in modern literature) a poem of serious reflection, typically a lament for the dead.

_ Seven months older, _

_ Air’s getting cold, our bed’s startin’ to creak _

_ God knows where you are, _

_ I’m here waiting for love through a screen _ _  
  
_

It’s futile, he knows. Wearing his shirt as if the scent of his cologne and body wash will bring him back, spine pressed up against the headboard as he stares at his phone like it’ll stretch out its arms with a message from him in its cold hands. 

He flew out a week ago and last spoke to Renjun five days ago. Taiwan, he said with a giddiness that Renjun absorbed and reciprocated back, despite the fact that his lover would be leaving him again and he would have to survive through another month of radio silence. For a model, Jeno surprisingly doesn’t like to use his phone or social media. His fans wait for months on end for him to post his Elle cover shoot photos from the beginning of the year, or a picture with Jang Yeeun, his IMG labelmate and close mentor at a party they were at six months before. His fans drink up that stuff like it’s the blood of the gods, and Renjun knows he’s just like them. 

They need to purchase a new bedframe. Renjun knocked into the corner after coming home tipsy from drinks with Donghyuck and that left a hairline crack in the wood. And it creaks, incessantly. They haven’t fucked in months, but it creaks whenever Renjun so much as sits on the edge, let alone has his back broken in two. But he wants to buy it when Jeno comes back home. Functioning couples buy furniture together right? For their shared home, their shared bed.

God, Renjun is such a sad, sad fuck.

_ You show me the outfit you chose _

_ for the dinner and tonight’s show, _

_ Must be nice to be your clothes. _

Jeno twirls around the moment he comes out of his walk-in wardrobe, showing off his new cashmere coat that Burberry sent him after becoming their brand ambassador. He’s paired it with a tight silk dress shirt with the buttons undone and a loose tie to match. It’s their first date in a while, yet all Renjun thinks as they walk to their favourite Italian place down the boulevard, is how he’d kill to cling onto Jeno like that damned shirt. It’s torturous to entertain thoughts like this but Renjun doesn’t know whether he cares anymore. Desperate times calls for desperate behaviour. Or something like that. 

_ Second to none even at your worst, _

_ Sometimes I wish you’d put me first _

And the sad fact is, Renjun is handsome. He’s slim and works out enough to eat the way he does and fits into his clothes like a glove. Everything he owns purposefully accentuates some part of his body, and he doesn’t learn those skills from having a model for a boyfriend. He gets drinks called to his table for one, dashing men sidling up to him at the bar, where Renjun is too busy mulling away at the thought of his absent lover that he can’t even spare them a blink let alone a night. He could, distribute himself like a prize and Jeno wouldn’t know. He’d just comment on his new cologne and tut at his crumpled clothes in the morning but pay no mind to the bruises on his neck. 

Renjun would be a liar if he said he didn’t wish Jeno looked at him first before his own face, or another up and coming person in the industry, be it model, idol, or actor. Renjun is his second priority on a good day, and he’s not sure whether it’s the permanence of that, or the fact that Renjun has felt like that since Jeno asked him out after seeing him at a party of some singer they both had only met once. That Jeno saw his pretty face and decided he wanted whatever came with it but not to give his all to him.

_ Must I die before you feel alive? _

_ A curse in a graceful disguise _

Jeno is a cursed human with too much love and not enough loss to truly treasure what he has around him. Renjun knows he’s spoilt beyond belief, and maybe it was that indeed that drew him towards him like a stupid moth to a flame fuelled by danger and ignorance. Renjun breaks his own heart so Jeno can consume each piece for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, with the audacity to ask for seconds. Renjun only has one heart, and it’s in such poor shape that he isn’t sure if he can love anyone else. A curse sent to him in the guise of a blessing, and Renjun is blind to the fine print. That reads Jeno won’t ever love him the way Renjun does and Renjun thinks he always will. He doesn’t have the will to break the curse. 

_ I love you too much to stay in love. _

Is it time to let go? 

The clock ticks ever faster and Renjun looks around at the home they bought after six months together and realises how little Jeno cared about the colours of their walls and the colour of the chest of drawers that would hold their memories. Like Jeno’s first gift to Renjun, a necklace with Jeno’s name written in Hanja on the back of a heart-shaped charm. The tickets to their first movie. The torn up shirt that Jeno refused to throw even though Renjun had done a number on it during their first time. Their chest of ‘firsts’ and Jeno couldn’t care less if it was white or black.

Renjun is growing more and more tired as the seconds go by. 

_ How are you darling? How are you, really? _

_ How was Taiwan? _

Jeno tells him he’s exhausted. His translator was unwilling to explain practically everything to him, and he’s sure the magazine is editing the shoot enough so that the photos looks nothing like him. Renjun rubs his back and presses kisses to his face to alleviate the pain and the frustration. Clearly Taiwan was everything but a good time and Renjun feels grossly happy that it wasn’t. Jeno tells him he missed him dearly while he was gone, because at least Renjun understood Mandarin. Renjun keeps those words close to his heart for safekeeping. 

_ Thanks for the flowers, but you’ve been here hours _

_ yet your coat’s still very much on _

He has another shoot to rush off to the next morning, pressing a quick kiss to the crown of Renjun’s head before rushing out, leaving the door open as well as the bathroom lights on as he does. He makes up for the anger Renjun feels when he wakes up hours later at the sight of their home in a wreck, in the wake of Jeno’s forgetfulness and carelessness. It’s a bouquet of roses and Renjun forgives him too easily. Jeno’s cashmere coat is still on and he doesn’t look as if he’s coming in anytime soon, if the constant glances at his wrist is anything to go by. It’s their home for God’s sake.

Renjun tells him he should leave to go back to whatever he’s scared about missing and Jeno gives him an apologetic look before he turns on his heel and dashes back to the lift. 

_ Tiptoein’ around the bitter truth but we both know… _

Jeno doesn’t come home for days after that. He doesn’t answer Renjun’s texts or calls. Renjun leaves him hundreds of messages, the beep of the service provider ingrained in his memory. 

He reads the tabloid headlines and knows about the rumours floating around that Jeno has been sighted with a hotshot actor from a new drama. Na Jaemin, the first lead in a slice of life drama with an emphasis on growing up and finding love in unexpected places despite everything life is throwing at you. Jaemin plays the main guy with a sick grandmother, who works two jobs and goes to university at the same time on a scholarship, yet a girl, brought up with everything she could ever wish for, is desperate to win his heart over. Renjun finds out after a deep dive, that Jeno has a mutual friend with Jaemin, a casting agent named Doyoung. 

Renjun smokes the last inches of his cigarette and lets himself cry for the first time in a year. 

_ Great was our love, it was one for the books _

_ We gave it the best that we could _

_ but I won’t recite all my lines just to watch you and I lie. _

He breaks up with Jeno over text, his boxes already packed in front of the door. Jeno pleads with him, empty promises of ‘I’m sorry Renjun, I won’t do it again,’ ‘Renjun, it was a mistake you have to believe me!’, ‘we’re just friends, please Renjun don’t do this to me.’

Renjun applauds Jeno’s crystal tears, presses one last kiss onto his chapped lips and says goodbye.

  
  


“I love you Renjun.” A bandaid for a bullet hole.

  
  


“I know Jeno, but I deserve better.”

_ I’m so proud I got to love you once. _

It’s hard to bleach the place of his presence, but Renjun has made good progress. He’s renovated, bought a new bedframe himself, donated the chest of drawers and threw out its contents. He repainted the walls, bought new candles and replaced the coffee table magazines full of Jeno’s face and replaced it with art theory books. 

It’s not easy, but Renjun gets through it. He cleans out his wardrobe and keeps the clothes that flatter his proportions, instead of the oversized hoodies and jumpers Jeno loved to see him in. 

He hooks up a few times, girls and guys. Girls are sweet, they kiss him softly but still have their way with him at the end of the night. Guys are not the same, but Renjun can control someone if he wants to, if he tries hard enough. 

  
  


He meets Mark Lee, a rapper under a label Renjun hasn’t heard of before, with a charting album and eyes full of curiosity and stars. He’s enraptured by Renjun and his voice, something he hasn’t used in a long time, satisfied with being a composer for SM Entertainment and writing songs for wide-eyed teenagers instead of exercising his own talent.

He takes Renjun out for dinner, unravels him after, and wants to learn everything about him. It’s a shock to Renjun at first, but he exploits Mark’s love in return for a salve for his broken heart. Mark tells him he thinks Renjun deserves better, because Mark is struggling to come up with new music and isn’t sure he can spoil Renjun like he has for the past three months. Renjun disagrees and realises that he’s fixed up enough to shower Mark with the same affection. 

They go to Paris on Renjun’s paycheck, where Jeno promised he’d take Renjun the next year for Paris Fashion Week but ultimately never did, and Mark has the time of his life. He jots down new lyrics everyday and Renjun gorges himself on baked goods, drowns himself in the artworks of the Renaissance, and takes Mark to bed every night they’re there.

They’re happy, and Renjun doesn’t think about Jeno.

He lets Mark know that there was someone before him who broke him almost beyond repair, and Mark never presses him on it after. But when Jeno comes knocking on his door a year and a half later, cheeks stained with tear tracks and alcohol on his breath when he tells Renjun that he’s sorry, and he wants another chance, Renjun knew Mark couldn’t stay away.

  
  


It’s December now, and Mark is at the studio tonight. Jeno gets onto his knees and begs Renjun to take him back, because ‘no one will love you like I do, not even Mark fucking Lee,’ and Renjun knows instantly where Mark went last week when he kissed Renjun goodnight and sneaked out of bed two hours after. 

  
  


“I can give you everything Renjun, I should have before and I didn’t. I hate myself for that, believe me, you— you have to  _ believe  _ me,”

  
  


Renjun pulls him up and puts his hands on each cheek. His skin is still soft and he still has a slight indent where his glasses sit on his nose. He’s still beautiful.

  
  


“Jeno, you need to leave right now. Otherwise I’m calling security.” Renjun brushes away the fresh tears and gazes over his features again.

  
  


“Renjun, you can’t make me leave. You know you could do better than him. That I’m better than him.”

  
  


Jeno stands in front of him with his jaw locked and his lips iron-tight. 

  
  


“Jeno, you don’t know how he makes me feel, and what sounds he can bring out of me. You don’t remember my birthday apart from the fact that its the month before yours, that I hated the colour of our drawers but you didn’t care so I forced myself to not care either. You asked if you could move into my house because your lease was ending and you needed a roof over your head when Nike dropped you after you got caught with drugs in Spain. You left me for months on end and broke me into a million pieces when I asked you if anything happened between you and Jaemin and you lied to my face.” Jeno’s porcelain face cracks at each truth, every memory Renjun says to his face with complete composure.

  
  


“You took me apart and put me back together with half-assed apologies, sex, and empty promises. I loved you through it all, yet you come to my doorstep and have the audacity to say that you deserve another chance, and to speak about my boyfriend the way you did.”

  
  


Jeno is still beautiful when he’s broken, a man hidden under a stained cashmere coat and creased dress pants, with fading pink flowers up his chest and a heart that could consume for millennia before it was satisfied. 

  
  


“Jeno, please.”

  
  


Jeno holds onto Renjun’s hands, and stares at him for a minute longer. His eyes flicker to Renjun’s lips. 

  
  


“You’re still—” 

  
  


“Jeno.” 

  
  


Jeno drops his hands like he’s just gripped an iron rod and swivels on the heel of his scuffed Oxfords and leaves. 

  
  


“I love you Renjun,” he says with his back facing him, as if trying out the same passcode to a forgotten account to see if it works the second time. Like he’s tasting a new phrase and wants to see if the spell works. Like Renjun will come running, that he’ll wrap his hands around his waist, asking him to come home.

  
  


But Renjun has already closed the door and Jeno is left with his heart in two even pieces in his hands. When he looks up, he’s face to face with the man who’s taken his spot. 

Mark doesn’t give him a second glance because when he types in the code to  _ his  _ apartment, opens  _ his  _ front door and tells  _ his  _ Renjun, ‘baby, I’m home,’ Jeno’s heart is broken beyond repair and the damage is done.

The clock ticks ever faster and Jeno knows, by the snow piling on the ground outside the apartment building, that he’s just out of time. 

**Author's Note:**

> i think this'll be my last fic for a while as school is starting up again. and it's a sad one, i'm sorry for that :(
> 
> i didn't want my first noren to be angst but things just... happened? i love niki with all my heart so i was inspired to write something by the lyrics and noren just happened to fill in the gaps! i love this ship with all of my (unbroken) heart and i think this is another good starting point for me to build up on for the rest of the fics i may write about them in the future! i'm sorry jeno is the asshole in this but i mean... hopefully the markren compensates for that!
> 
> love, oaf! 
> 
> pspspspsp- do tell me ur favourite lines!  
> [twt](https://twitter.com/_norencult) \+ [cc](https://curiouscat.me/98mbins)


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